I visited the Louvre art gallery in France last week.
I asked if it was okay to take a picture and they said it was.
I must say, the Mona Lisa looks pretty damn good on my living room wall.
Archive for the ‘Other Jokes’ Category
The Mona Lisa
Sunday, July 19th, 2009First mistake
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me… That was his first mistake.
Online
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009My sister talks about sex online with people she doesn’t know.
She thinks 
Good sh*t
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver’s on.
Hereditary
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009They say Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
Evil Woman’s Revenge
Tuesday, July 14th, 2009A sexy woman went to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She then seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
‘Are you the manager?’ she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
‘Actually, no,’ he replied.
‘Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathed the bartender. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘Yes. I need for you to give him a message,’ she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth allowing him to suck them gently.
‘What should I tell him?’ the bartender managed to say.
She whispered, ‘Tell him there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.’
My Little Leprechaun
Monday, July 13th, 2009A little boy was in the school’s bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.
“A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
The teacher couldn’t get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.
“A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.
“A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, “What do you have in your hand?”
Again came the reply, “It’s a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said “Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the shit out of him!”
The Christmas Angel
Monday, July 13th, 2009Santa was having a bad day. Mrs Claus was nagging, the dwarfs were working slowly as there were serious assembly problems, Santa’s daughter required expensive dental care after biting down on her tongue ring, and Rudolf was getting old and stodgy. In the midst of all this a shimmering angel arrived one evening with a lovely tree. As Santa answered the door, frowning and muttering, the angel smiled and said “Merry Christmas, Santa! Here’s your tree. Where do you want me to stick it?”
36 Things We Learn From Movies
Monday, July 13th, 20091. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.
4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
5. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
9. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
12. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
13. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
14. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
15. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
16. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
17. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
21. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
23. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.
24. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
25. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
26. It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
31. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
32. No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
33. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
34. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
35. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
36. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
The Poker Player
Saturday, July 11th, 2009Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sandra, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?” Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat Sandra answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is quite a poker player!